I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
