On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
