So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize