you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
These tits shall not be calmed
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