my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
