It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
