I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Randomize
