you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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