I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
