I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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