He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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