careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
