Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
