How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
