Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
