Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
