i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
