Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
