census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
