Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
