Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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