Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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