I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I had to cum in my sink.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
