When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
