I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You are a genius and a whore.
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