how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
No stitches, just platelets and will power
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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