An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
