Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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