If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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