I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
