I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
