I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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