Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
