Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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