Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize