Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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