last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
