Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
