I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
