Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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