Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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