I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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