I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
