Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
