We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize