I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
