I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I love having hate sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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