alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
