This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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