Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The air was thick with penises
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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