I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize