My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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