Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
