The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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