So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
